1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
7. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle (or, in some cases, really bad makeup too).
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter or janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

• Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
• Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
• Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everthing
• California: As Seen on TV
• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
• Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
• Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
• Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
• Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, Very Little Else
• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada: Whores and Poker!
• New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
• Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
• Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
• Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
• South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Si, Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont: Yep
• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
• Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
• Wyoming: Wynot?

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.