April 10, 2000 - One Liners

• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
• Am I getting smart with you? … How would you know?
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
• I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.
• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: 1. Never tell everything you know.
• Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you…
• I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air out of their tires. – Dorothy Parker
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Families are like fudge … Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
• You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
• Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.