June 21, 2000 - Cards you'll never see in a Hallmark shop

• “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?”
• “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”
• “How could two people as beautiful as you both have such an ugly baby?”
• “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
• “I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell ‘til I met you.”
• “As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
• “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
• “As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy.”
• “Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!”
• “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”
• “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”
• “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age… almost lifelike!”
• “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to you kept your promise.”
• “I knew this day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
• “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”
• “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”
• “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
• “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday… so we are having you put to sleep.”